A Doctor's Prayer

I have been up almost all night. A woman came to us two days ago from a remote community with a severe post partum hemorrhage (bleeding after birth). We did emergency surgery to remove her uterus, but she was extremely ill as she she'd lost basically her entire blood volume and lost the ability to form blood clots. The whole hospital banded around her, with many physicians and nurses donating blood for her. While at first it was touch-and-go, the next day she really started to improve. She was alert, cuddling her baby, and joking with her nurses. We decided to remove some abdominal packing that we had left in her abdomen as she was doing so well. Unfortunately a few hours later she suddenly and unexpectedly declined and died. This poem is dedicated to her.

God, forgive me

For my pride and arrogance,

Thinking that I alone held the power of life over death

Visualizing selfishly the gratitude the patient and her family would bestow on me as I had snatched her from Death’s grip back into Life.

You, alone, hold the power over life and death.

My skills are not mine to hoard smugly in silent superiority,

But are merely an instrument to glorify You.

God, hold me

In my grief,

That I could not do enough,

As I had to sit by and helplessly watch her slip away before my eyes.

The agony of powerlessness like a tsunami engulfing me, 

silencing my inner screams of despair

My body spasming in grief 

As I watched her mother screaming and tearing at her hair in anguish,

Fists slamming into the walls

As she melted into a motionless puddle of moaning grief on the floor

While we stared on wordlessly, helplessly

The day's events and decisions on endless repeat in my mind

Torturing me with “what if”s.

God, comfort me

Trusting in You always

Though I do not understand Your ways.

Gather me up like a child in Your loving arms

And tell me that everything is going to be ok.

Kiss away my tears and make them holy,

Silent prayers to you

More honest than any words could ever be.

God, grant me courage,

That I may continue Your work of healing here on earth

And providing comfort and reassurance to others when I cannot.

Let me be Your hands and feet.

Spare me, Lord,  from becoming too hardened to the pain,

Too jaded with cynicism

Too self-protective to engage in the hard work of loving Your people.

God, restore me.

Lead me back to your green pastures

Of refreshment and renewal

That I may always be reminded of Your love and mercy

So that your love for me overflows 

Into a fountain of grace poured out on all those that I meet

That they may also know You, Your love, and Your everlasting peace. 

Amen.